Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

By José Ramirez, LMHC, CST

Making friends as an adult is hard. Making friends as an adult male is even harder. Men are socialized to be strong and rely on themselves and so when a lack of social support presents itself, it can be really tough for men to find their way. Loneliness kills, like actually, loneliness has been linked with several detrimental health outcomes such as increased risk of dementia, depression, anxiety, cardiovascular disease, and suicide.

The way that men are socialized also presents some challenges in making new friends. While it’s completely normalized for women to compliment each other, that’s not the case for guys, so it can be hard to start up a conversation with another guy without coming off as “weird”. There are of course aspects of toxic masculinity in that, but it’s also the way that men are taught to be around other men. The expectation is to be stoic and strong. So as guys, where can we make new friends?

Join Groups and Activities That You’re Interested In

Think about what you enjoy doing. Do you have any hobbies that can potentially involve other people or socializing in any way?

• Hobbies and Sports Leagues: A lot of guys like sports, so a local sports league like Redball is a great starting off point. Local sports leagues are a great way to meet other people. Everyone is there for the same reason, to play and socialize. The great thing about these leagues is you can go in as a free agent and you will be placed on a team. You don’t have to be an expert at the sport you pick either. These leagues are co-ed and will set up mixers and social events after most games so the opportunity to socialize is built in. This is a great way to get out there and meet new people. I met my really good friends while playing in a Redball kickball league in Downtown Fort Lauderdale two years ago, I’m testimony that it works. They also have LGBTQ+ sports leagues that are inclusive for everyone, Rainbow sports is a local option in Fort Lauderdale. Between these leagues you can play kickball, softball, dodgeball, soccer, volleyball, and even pickleball. There’s something for everyone.

• Pickleball: Speaking of pickleball, did you know that pickleball is the fastest growing sport in America? That being said, this is a great place to meet people. Pickleball courts are being built all over the place which shows just how popular the game is. Find a local court and jump into a game, trust me, you won’t be the only one wanting to play. Do this regularly and you’ll likely meet some people and maybe even develop good friendships.

• Local Sports Bars: If you’re a sports guy, another great way to meet people is to get off your couch and find a local sports bar that plays all the games you want to see. Show up for the games, you’ll start to notice regulars and you can meet people that way.

• Group Fitness Classes: If you’re into fitness it would be a good idea to check out a group fitness class. Whether you like yoga, HIIT, Zumba, or Crossfit, a group exercise class is a great way to meet new people.

• Volunteering, Organizations, and Parks: Other places you might meet people are volunteering or joining a local organization. Joining a church, if you’re spiritual, is also a way to meet new people. Do you have a dog? A dog park or dog-friendly bar can be an awesome way to meet other people who also have dogs. Not only does your pup get to make new friends, you can too!

Use Your Existing Network 

People are busy with work and life in general and sometimes we put our relationships on the backburner. In reality, having strong friendships to turn to during stressful and busy times has such beneficial impacts on stress management and overall mental health so it’s better to cultivate relationships during stressful periods than neglect them.

• Reconnect with Old Friends: Leverage existing connections to help expand your network. Reconnect with friends you may have lost touch with. This happens so often and it’s usually due to life getting in the way. 

• Maximize Current Social Opportunities: Do you have a friend that you don’t see as often as you’d like? Make it a point to make plans with them more often. Use your existing friendships to help expand your network by attending gatherings and events put on by friends. That brunch you were invited to but are starting to dread – GO! Don’t miss opportunities like this. You can also ask your friends to introduce you to their friends. This takes a level of vulnerability, but true friendship is all about vulnerability.

• Turn Colleagues into Friends: Do you have a colleague you enjoy? Ask them to hang out, if you get along at work, chances are you’d get along outside of work as well. Work friends are awesome and help us cope with the stress and pressure of work. They tend to know parts of us that other friends/relationships may not simply because we spend so much time together. If that’s the case, most of the work of cultivating a friendship is already done, now it’s a matter of hanging out outside of work consistently to allow the friendship to flourish.

Technology is your friend

• Use Social Apps: Use technology to your advantage. These days there are tons of social apps which facilitate meeting people. Apps like bumble BFF are meant for people looking for platonic connections with others. Several of my clients have reported success in making friends off this app. Other apps like Meetup or local facebook groups can facilitate finding activities to try out or meeting like minded people.

Be Approachable 

Ok, so now that you found a place to meet new people, what’s next? It’s time to socialize! 

• Show Genuine Interest: When going into social situations try your best to have a positive attitude and genuine interest in others and the activity/event at hand. This is going to set you up for success. Have you ever been to an event where someone seems bored out of their mind? Don’t be that guy, people who don’t seem interested aren’t going to be approached by others. As long as you’re open and approachable people will be willing to talk.

• Positive Body Language: Remember to maintain open and approachable body language. Make eye contact when speaking and smile, keep it light and bright. People’s guards will go down when talking to someone pleasant and open.

• Put Your Phone Away: One major thing that I suggest is put your phone away. That’s right, read that again. Phones can be distracting and a big form of avoidance. If you’re on your phone people aren’t going to approach you or talk to you. Phone etiquette dictates that when someone is using their phone, leave them alone. You may feel awkward and uncomfortable without it at first, but just try to make room for that discomfort, it won’t last forever and you can still engage and be present. Plus your chances of engaging with others will skyrocket if your phone isn’t in your hand.

Initiate Conversations

• Challenge Yourself to Initiate: Introduce yourself to people who seem interesting and friendly. Start with small talk and then steer the conversation toward common interests. Remember that most people have a certain level of discomfort in new social situations and they may be avoiding initiating conversations because of this. Because initiating can be hard for people, challenge yourself to initiate a few conversations. You may have just created a connection that may not have happened had you not taken the first step.

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Ask people questions about themselves and their experiences. This shows interest and people are more likely to keep the conversation going if questions are being asked back and forth. If there’s a lull in the conversation, that’s ok, it’s natural, just ask another question and get the conversation back on track.

• Remember Names: Try your best to remember people’s names. This may not seem like a big thing but it promotes the idea that you’re interested and engaged in the conversation.

Be Consistent and Patient

• Establish Consistency: One of the most important parts of making new friendships, especially at the beginning, is being consistent and reliable. We’ve all been in situations in which we meet people or reconnect with acquaintances and say “let’s hang out sometime” and then crickets. Well, this is a lack of consistency and it can be a friendship killer. Regular interactions are required- attend classes, meetups, or events regularly in order to establish consistency and to see regulars. You won’t get to know people on a deeper level if you don’t attend events regularly.

• Be Reliable: If you invite someone to do something, show up. Canceling or not showing up will hurt trust and paint you as unreliable and let’s be honest, who needs unreliable friends?

• Be Patient: Finally, be patient. Building relationships takes time, especially close friendships. If you put in the effort, it should pay off.

Conclusion

Making friends as an adult male can be particularly challenging due to various social and cultural factors. Adult men often face obstacles such as busy schedules, societal expectations to prioritize career and family over socializing, and a general reluctance to express vulnerability, which is crucial for forming deep connections. 

Despite these challenges, by taking proactive steps such as engaging in shared activities, leveraging existing connections, and maintaining a positive and consistent effort, adult men can successfully build and sustain meaningful friendships. Patience and persistence are key in overcoming these difficulties and fostering lasting social bonds.

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