Grief is not a feeling, it’s a response with many emotions. Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something important. It can include sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, relief, numbness, longing, confusion, physical exhaustion, changes in sleep, and many other reactions.

Grief is not the same as depression. In grief, painful feelings often remain closely connected to the loss and may come in waves. Major depression tends to affect mood, thinking, motivation, and enjoyment more broadly. However, grief and depression can occur at the same time, which is one reason professional assessment can sometimes be helpful.

There is also no universal timetable for grief. Your relationship with the person you lost, the circumstances of the loss, your support system, culture, beliefs, and previous experiences can all influence how you grieve.

Adapting to loss does not mean forgetting someone or deciding that the loss no longer matters. It means gradually learning how to carry what happened while continuing to participate in your own life.

You may experience an internal fight telling you on one hand, “get over it” and on the other hand, “but I can’t” or “I shouldn’t.”

Often the messages our friends, family, and society send are reflective of the “get over it,” “move on,” “get busy,” and/or “please don’t talk about it” philosophy. This is partially because we humans are often so uncomfortable with talking about death, loss, and all the emotions that come with it. Yet, grief is a natural response to the loss of someone we love.

With the help of grief (yes, grief is helpful - more on that below), we gradually adapt to the changes in our lives without our loved one. Changes in our day-to-day functioning, our identity, our family and friends, our future plans, and dreams.

This does not mean we forget those we lost, it means we recreate our lives in the physical absence of our loved ones.

It’s common for people to believe that time will heal the grief wound and make it smaller. But what really happens is that our life gets bigger and grows around grief. This concept is wonderfully depicted in the image below.

Bereavement is experienced differently across the world. For example, in many western cultures, black is the color of grief, yet in many Asian cultures, white is the color of mourning. In some countries, grief is displayed by loud wailing while in others, quiet prayer or meditation is the expectation.

Different religions have different ways of rituals and traditions, such as in Judaism, family and friends are invited to “sit shiva;” whereas in Catholicism there may be a wake and funeral. Others choose to create their own way of grieving and mourning, depending on what the deceased valued.

Keep in mind that these community rituals are not only to remember the deceased but for loved ones to connect in their sadness.