Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Non-monogamy is not a new concept, but it is more mainstream these days. In fact, According to a 2021 YouGov poll, 25% of Americans are interested in having an open relationship, with men (32%) more likely than women (19%) to express interest.
Whether this statistic shocks you or not, the fact of the matter is that millions of people are interested in non-monogamous relationships. If you’ve ever thought about this but don’t know where to start, this blog is for you.
I’m going to give you questions to sit with and think about before bringing this up to your partner. The purpose of these questions is self-reflection. If you find yourself curious, on the fence, or leaning toward wanting to explore non-monogamy, read on. If you’ve already thought about this and are ready to talk to your partner, check out my blog on how to do that here.
The seed of non monogamy is planted in many different ways, maybe a partner mentions it, or you hear about it in the media, or through friends, or your own curiosity. No matter where the idea came from, it’s still really important for you to consider several things before you begin exploring. This is especially true for people who have no experience with non-monogamy.
Even experienced non-monogamous people have to reflect on some of these questions from time to time. This list is by no means exhaustive, I came up with the list based on questions that come up most commonly in my clinical work.
The questions below are meant to explore your own thoughts and feelings about non monogamy as an individual. They are meant to make you reflect on your values. They are meant to encourage curiosity and give you a better understanding of where you might land on the spectrum of monogamy.
If your immediate response to a question is “I don’t know”, I invite you to sit with it and see if something eventually comes up. These questions may be new or questions you never thought about so it might take some time for you to formulate an answer. There are no wrong answers, these questions are meant to guide your understanding of your values, beliefs, wants, desires, and boundaries.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Opening a Relationship
- What messaging did I get growing up about the morality of monogamy vs non monogamy?
- How do I feel about the concept of non monogamy?
- Why do I want an open relationship?
- What are my motivations and goals for doing this?
- Am I seeking something that is missing in my current relationship?
- Do I have the bandwidth for this?
- How long do I see this working for?
- Am I committed to trying to make this work, even when it’s hard?
- Why this, why now?
- What am I into?
- What kinks or fetishes am I curious about?
- Do I plan to talk to people outside of my relationship about my lifestyle?
- How do I plan to meet people?
- What type of non monogamy most appeals to me? Monogamish, open, swinging, poly?
- What type of connection am I looking for? Emotional, sexual, both?
- How does this lifestyle fit into my current life? Friends, family, community, work?
- Am I well equipped to handle problems that may arise including jealousy, insecurities, or conflict?
- Do I feel secure in my relationship?
- Who am I doing this for?
The next set of questions are for you to consider with your relationship and partner in mind. They are meant to help you explore what it might be like for you, your partner, and your relationship if you were to be non-monogamous.
Crucial things to consider include communication, conflict resolution, boundaries, safety, stability, and security within the relationship. Considering these questions can help ensure that both you and your partner are ready and that the decision is mutually beneficial.
Questions to Consider with Your Relationship Partner in Mind
- How do I feel about my current relationship?
- Are there any unmet needs?
- Am I satisfied and happy with my partner?
- What are my partner’s views on non monogamy?
- Can I see myself discussing this with them honestly and openly?
- What boundaries and agreements would work for me?
- What specific rules will we establish?
- How will we handle jealousy or problems if they arise?
- Am I comfortable communicating with my partner?
- Can I openly and honestly communicate my needs?
- Can I openly and honestly communicate my doubts?
- What are the potential risks and challenges to my relationship?
- How to deal with insecurity or miscommunications?
- Am I comfortable discussing emotional and physical safety concerns with my partner?
- Think contraception, HIV and STIs, and the emotional wellbeing of all involved.
- How do we currently repair conflicts or ruptures in our relationship?
- Am I looking for something that my partner cannot provide?
- Do I trust my partner?
- What is the health of my relationship like at the moment?
- How are we at navigating difficulties in our relationship?
- What is our conflict like? What do we fight about?
After going through these questions, you should have a better idea and some good insights into how you feel about opening your relationship.
You may feel great about it, you may feel apprehensive, you may feel downright against it. This exercise is important no matter how you feel because now you have information that you may not have had before. If after completing this exercise you feel that you may want to continue exploring an open relationship, you will need to rope your partner into the conversation.
Again, my blog covers how to do that. This is a major relational decision and as such it should be given the appropriate time and attention. Each partner needs to have time to think about and process the decision. This may be a slow process but if done right with full consent from both partners, this can be a great thing for your relationship.
More Interesting Reads
José Ramirez is a licensed mental health counselor and Certified Sex Therapist. He is an expert in sex therapy, relationships, depression therapy, anxiety therapy, PTSD and trauma-related issues, mood disorders, and LGBTQ+ specific issues. Call 954-488-2933 or email today to discuss how our services can help you.
Servicios disponibles en español.