What an on-again, off-again relationship taught me about indecision.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

By: Dr. Jamie Long

I once spent an embarrassing amount of time asking myself one question: Should I stay or leave this relationship?

He checked a lot of boxes.

Charming? Yes.
Good looking? Oh yes.
Dependable and trustworthy? Ehhh… let’s move on.

Every time I thought about leaving, I’d see a little glimpse of what the relationship could be.

So I kept telling myself, “I just need to give it more time.” Eventually I realized something pretty uncomfortable.

While I was waiting to decide whether to stay… I was staying.

I thought I was putting off the decision. But I was actually continuing to choose the relationship as it was, even while I was hoping it would become something else.

What happens when you can’t decide whether to stay or leave?

You can be very busy with a decision without much changing around you. You reconsider the good parts, revisit the bad parts, mentally try on each option, then put both of them back.

It takes a lot of energy. So if someone asks why you haven’t done anything about it, you might think, “Are you kidding? I think about this CONSTANTLY.”

All that thinking doesn’t necessarily equate to change.

Maybe your version is a job you’ve been “giving another few months.” Another Monday comes around, and you’re still spending your week somewhere you’ve been questioning. Or it’s a conversation you’re “not ready” to have, while the thing you need to talk about keeps happening.

That’s what I had missed in my relationship. In my mind, staying was one of the options I might choose later. In practice, it was what I was actually doing.

When we weigh a hard decision, we can spend so much time imagining the consequences of making a change that we barely consider the consequences of continuing as we are.

When is waiting actually useful?

Now, sometimes waiting is absolutely the right move.

You may need information that isn’t available yet, time to see whether a change holds, or enough breathing room to think beyond the intensity of a bad day. You may also need money, support, or a practical plan before another option becomes possible. Those are real needs.

When waiting is useful, you can often name what you’re waiting to learn, observe, or put in place. In a relationship, that might mean looking for consistent follow-through on something you’ve already discussed. In a job, it might mean saving money while you explore other work.

But “more time” can also become something you keep granting without knowing what would make it enough.

Maybe you’re waiting to feel certain you won’t regret leaving. Maybe you want the good parts to make the hard parts stop mattering so much. Or maybe you’re hoping the decision will become so obvious that you won’t have to feel conflicted when you make it.

That’s a lot to ask of another month.

Before you give it more time, it helps to know what you expect that time to do.

The question I wish I’d asked sooner

If nothing changes, is this what I’d choose for myself?

Of course, people can change. Jobs can improve. Difficult conversations can lead somewhere better. The question asks you to look at what’s here now, alongside whatever you hope might happen.

It’s easy to answer, “Do I want this if it becomes what I believe it could be?” Of course you might. That version may have a lot going for it.

The harder question is whether you’re willing to keep living with the current version while you find out.

Staying has a cost beyond whatever isn’t working right now because every choice you continue making also means you’re not moving toward other possibilities.

If you stay in a relationship you’re deeply dissatisfied with for another year, that’s another year you’re not available for a relationship that might fit you better. If you remain in a job you’ve outgrown, you’re not only spending another year there—you’re also spending a year not exploring what else might be possible.

The longer something stays the same, the easier it can become to adjust your expectations around it.

Maybe this is just how relationships are.
Maybe work is supposed to feel like this.
Maybe I’m asking for too much.

Giving something more time may help you see meaningful change. Sometimes it just gives the current situation more time to become your normal.

And your answer is allowed to be “yes, for now.” You may decide that the good still outweighs the difficult, that there’s meaningful progress, or that staying while you build another option makes sense. That can be a thoughtful choice.

Your answer might also be “no.” You can take that answer seriously while you work out what comes next. Either way, you’re giving the reality of your situation a place in the decision, along with its potential.

You don’t have to know how your whole life turns out. But it’s worth asking yourself not only:

What am I choosing by staying?

but also:

What might I be giving up the chance to choose instead?

Still having the same debate with yourself?

If that one question made you see your decision a little differently, this is exactly why I created 4 Questions to Ask Before Making a Hard Decision.

Sometimes the problem isn’t that you haven’t thought about the decision enough. You may be stuck on the wrong part of it.

The free guide will help you figure out whether your choice is still blurry, you’re waiting for certainty you may never get, you need someone else’s approval, or you’re afraid of the tradeoffs that come after you choose.

Once you know where you’re stuck, it becomes much easier to figure out what you actually need to move forward.

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