Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

By: Hailey Fitzpatrick, LMCH

Picture this. You have finally saved up enough money to buy your dream home. You hire the realtor, do the research, and eventually find the one. You can already picture yourself living there. Before making an offer, you show the listing to your parents and ask “What do you think?”

They love it and say, “I think it’s the right choice.”

Immediately, you feel relieved. The anxiety about this big decision in your life settles. You start imagining where your couch will go and what color you’ll paint the walls.

But then something strange happens. A few days later, that same doubt creeps back in.

So this brings us to the question: If reassurance was supposed to make you feel better… Why doesn’t the decision feel right?

Why Reassurance Doesn’t Actually Solve the Problem

One of the biggest misconceptions I see as a therapist is people believing they’re simply “indecisive.” We have all struggled to make decisions throughout our lives which is a normal part of our human experience. Most of the time the bigger decisions in our lives (eg., buying a house, wedding, career, relationships, etc.) often take energy, time and thorough research. This could mean you are a thoughtful person who is extra careful.

If you fall into the indecisive trap too often and over smaller life changes, it can be a sign of something deeper going on. When people struggle to make a decision, they often assume it’s because they haven’t gathered enough information.

They think to themselves if they just ask one more person, do one more Google search or find someone else who agrees with me, then they’ll finally feel confident enough to decide. 

For a moment, it works. The reassurance from a fellow human or AI platform eases the anxiety and reassurance-seeking, and the decision feels easier. But then, a few hours (or a few days) later, the doubt creeps back in.

They’re back to researching endlessly, calling other friends to consult with and spending countless minutes rethinking the same things over and over again.

This is where many people get stuck. By seeking reassurance outside of ourselves, we are only soothing that discomfort temporarily. The real issue isn’t that you don’t have enough information or opinions, it’s that you don’t have confidence in your own judgment or choices. Most people assume that confidence is about always knowing the right answer. But I’m here to tell you that it’s actually about trusting yourself to manage what happens after you make the final call.

Let’s go back to our house example. Someone caught in this pattern may continue researching other homes, call multiple friends, and exhaust every “what if” possible, all while still feeling uncertain. Notice what happened. The problem was never a lack of information, it was a lack of confidence in their ability to choose the “right” house.

Someone with confidence in their decisions might still research the house, ask for advice, and experience doubt. The difference is they don’t expect uncertainty to disappear before making a decision. They trust that if something unexpected happens (e.g., plumbing issues, HOA problems, or another surprise) that they will find a way to survive and figure things out.

What I am telling you is this, the problem isn’t indecision so the solution isn’t finding more certainty. It’s rebuilding trust in yourself.

So What Does a Lack of Self-Trust Actually Look Like?

If you’re reading this, you might be thinking, “Okay… but how do I know if this is actually my problem?” The truth is, a lack of self-trust rarely shows up in obvious ways. Most people don’t walk around thinking, “I don’t trust myself.”

Instead, it sounds more like:

“Why am I still thinking about this decision?”

“Why do I feel like I need to explain myself?”

“Why can’t I stop wondering if I made the wrong choice?”

“Why didn’t that reassurance last?”

It could look like you finally making a decision, but spending the next three days replaying it in your head.

These moments don’t usually feel like a self-trust problem. They just feel like overthinking. But they’re often signs that you’ve stopped believing your own thoughts, feelings, and decisions are enough on their own.

Here are four signs that indecisiveness isn’t the real problem, your self trust is.

1. You Second-Guess Decisions You’ve Already Made.

You looked at the menu three days before dinner. You already knew what you wanted. Then everyone at the table disagreed with your original choice and suddenly your decision became negotiable.

Second-guessing yourself doesn’t necessarily mean your original decision was wrong. Often, it simply means you’ve learned to value someone else’s opinion more than your own. The more often this happens, the quieter your own voice becomes.

2. You Automatically Ask Other People What They Think.

Not all advice seeking is a bad sign. Healthy advice can offer perspective, challenge blind spots, and help us think more clearly.

The problem begins when asking for advice becomes your first step instead of your second. Before you even consider how you feel about the options in front you, you find yourself texting your best friend, calling your mom, asking your partner, searching Google, watching three reels and reading ten reviews.

By the end, you’re more confused than when you started and further away from what you originally wanted.

3. You Seek Reassurance After You’ve Already Decided.

Have you ever made a decision…

…and then immediately asked someone,

“Do you think I made the right choice?”

Like I mentioned before, reassurance feels good in the moment. It calms anxiety, but this is only temporary. Before long, that doubt comes back and you need reassurance again.

Over time, your brain learns an important lesson:

“I can’t feel okay until someone else tells me I’m okay.”

4. You Assume Someone Else Knows the “Right” Answer.

Imagine asking someone what they think. They have a different opinion. Instead of treating it as another perspective, you automatically treat it as the better perspective. In some cases, another person may have more knowledge, experience, or understanding about a topic than you do. Seeking out their expert opinion on a subject can be useful and help guide your decision making process. However, when you start to feel like everyone else is an expert compared to you, this is when you begin assuming everyone else knows something you don’t. Their opinions start to outweigh your own judgment.

Eventually, you stop asking,

“What do I think?”

And start asking,

“Who probably knows better?”

What Self-Trust Actually Looks Like

Many people think self-trust comes from a magical moment in time where you “just know” what to do all of a sudden. Or some people feel that trusting yourself is earned after succeeding flawlessly. 

Hate to burst your bubble but none of the above is true. The actual definition of self trust is the foundational confidence that you can rely on your own judgment, manage your emotions, and handle whatever life brings your way. No magic, no perfection, just learning into the belief that “I can rely on my own judgment, and I’ll be able to handle whatever happens next.”

Here are some examples of self trust behaviors:

• Checking in with yourself before asking everyone else.
• Accepting that uncertainty is part of every meaningful decision.
• Letting advice inform your choice not replace it.
• Making decisions that align with your values, even when others would choose differently.
• Believing you can adapt if things don’t go perfectly.

Notice that none of these require certainty. They require practice and practice makes progress.

The Good News: Self-Trust Can Be Rebuilt

You don’t wake up one morning and stop trusting yourself, it happens gradually.

One second-guessed decision. One reassurance-seeking text. One “What do you think I should do?” at a time.

The comforting thing about self-trust is that it grows the exact same way, gradually.

One decision where you listen to yourself first. One moment where you tolerate uncertainty instead of chasing reassurance. One reminder that your voice deserves a seat at the table.

Small moments, repeated consistently, become confidence.

Ready to Start Rebuilding Self-Trust?

If you found yourself relating to what I’ve written, you might be thinking ‘Well now what?’ That’s a fair question and I have the answer for you.

Learning to build trust with yourself isn’t about becoming fearless or never asking for advice again. It’s about reconnecting with your own judgment and believing that you can navigate life’s uncertainty with resilience.

Imagine making a decision without needing five opinions first. Imagine trusting that even if things didn’t go perfectly, you’d be able to handle it. That’s what we’re really working toward.

If you’re ready to build that kind of confidence, I’d love to help. Call us today to schedule a phone consultation with me, I would love to be a part of your journey back to you.

---

---