Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
It is said that variety is the spice of life. Variety is indeed the spice of life, but it also stokes the flame of desire and eroticism (both of which are important for a good sex life).
Having different types of sex is not only fun, but it also keeps things interesting. Too much of one thing can get boring over time. In long-term relationships, it’s imperative to keep things interesting in order to keep the ember of eroticism and desire alive.
Welcome back to my blog post series about sex and intimacy. This particular post will educate you on the different types of sex couples can have.
When I ask clients what type of sex they have, I usually get this response: “I don’t know, the normal kind?” Hmm…What does that even mean!?! If I don’t explore further, I’m left to assume based on the client’s situation and background what they mean.
Assumptions are never good, so when I ask for clarification I find that people don’t really know how to talk about the type of sex they engage in, which to be fair, is probably not a question they get asked often. It’s an important question in therapy though, especially when working with relational or sexual concerns.
We need to identify patterns that may be feeding into undesired outcomes. If a couple is coming in because of a desire discrepancy it’s important to establish what type of sex is the norm because, more often than not, it’s only one type of sex and it’s very routine.
Enter monotony, the desire and eroticism killer. One way to ward off monotony is to change up the type of sex you engage in, thereby adding excitement and variety, the antidotes to monotony.
Pro tip: excitement is also a key player in successful dates, see my blog on that here
Increasing playfulness can be a simple, yet powerful tool to improve your sex life. Playful sex is all about adult play, PLAY being the operative word. It’s an opportunity to have fun with it and explore or try new things. Consider exploring kinks or fetishes if that’s your thing. Try having sex somewhere other than your usual spots. Curious about inviting others to join in? Maybe this can be your opportunity!
Adding new things may have to be negotiated beforehand, but that may also make it fun. The conversation leading up to this can be hot and erotic in and of itself. You may discover things about your partner that you didn’t know before, the key is to keep an open mind and let curiosity thrive.
What happens if you aren’t into what your partner wants to do? If the answer is a firm “no” for you, is there any wiggle room? If not, that’s ok, but is there something else you can try which may give a similar outcome? It’s all about compromise, especially when playing with boundaries in a consensual (remember consent is required and sexy), playful way. Opening up your mind a bit can help a lot here, you never know, you might be introduced to something you never thought you needed! Fun and playfulness are really the goal here and as long as they’re present, then you’re having playful sex.
Romantic sex (AKA loving making)
Romantic and emotional intimacy are the backbones of every good relationship. These are after all what sets an amorous relationship apart from a platonic relationship. Romantic sex is the sex that increases intimacy. It can be erotic and full of desire but it’s often tender, gentle, and all about connection.
In romantic sex there is a lot of eye contact, kissing, touching, a lot of sensuality. This is the type of sex that makes a couple feel like one. This is the type of sex that honors a relationship and helps with longevity. Many people crave this type of sex, but this type of sex also requires a degree of mindfulness. Both parties must be fully present to be able to connect on such a deep level. That is not always possible when you have busy lives, which is why being able to have different types of sex to fall back on is so helpful.
Busy couples looking to engage in romantic sex may benefit from scheduling a time to connect in this way. I know, I know, scheduling sex isn’t “sexy”, but remember, the concept of spontaneous sex is a fallacy, refer back to my previous blog for more information on this. To slow down and be fully present, some people may need to schedule enough time to really get into it. Anything that takes this level of planning is bound to be great!
“Just do it” sex
This is the type of sex that is more carnal in nature. This is fueled by desire and eroticism; this is about sensations and senses. Pleasure is the star here, playfulness and intimacy may be present, but they take a backseat. This is the type of sex that screams “I have to have you now!” Hot hookups, exciting quickies, and “caught me off guard” sex (with consent, because consent is required and sexy) are the stars in this type of sexual connection.
While the “just do it” type of sex is more common in casual or new relationships, it should also be happening in long-term relationships. When people are busy or they’ve been together for a while and fall into a routine, sometimes it’s necessary to get together and just get off! Sneak it in when you can, so to speak, this should be exciting and fun. This more fast and furious type of sex can help shake up a routine that may be getting monotonous.
These three categories of sex sum up different types that should be present in all relationships. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list, but couples and individuals I see in therapy respond well to these.
Again, it’s about having variety to fight off monotony and stagnation. It’s about connecting with your partner(s) in different ways. It’s about introducing kinks or fetishes or scenes that cater to all involved.
Every couple is different and the frequency with which people will engage in these different types of sex differs from couple to couple, and that’s ok. There’s no right or wrong here, I’m simply advocating for couples to have more options to help keep their sexual life interesting and engaging.
If you feel that your sex life needs a little more spice, consider engaging in a different type of sex and see how that feels.
And, as always, if you are interested in speaking to a therapist about these kinds of topics, feel free to inquire about my services. More information below!
Stay tuned for part 5 of this multi-part blog post series in which I will tackle common sexual dysfunctions.
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