Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

By José Ramirez, LMHC, CST

Fort Lauderdale therapist, José Ramirez, LMHC explains how the emotion of jealousy serves an important purpose. 

When you think of jealousy, what comes to mind? 

Perhaps a thriller about the jealous ex overcome with emotion going after the new partner? Maybe the word drums up some traumatic memories from your past? Perhaps it reminds you of a specific person you know? 

There are countless examples of jealousy in culture, art, literature, religion, media, and our own lives. Jealousy is a complicated emotion, born out of necessity during our evolutionary process. It’s uncomfortable in the best of times, downright ugly in the worst case scenarios. But alas, as difficult as jealousy can be, it’s a critical emotion that can be very beneficial as well. Don’t believe me? Read on!

What is Jealousy?

A complex emotion, jealousy is a perceived threat to a meaningful relationship. Notice the word perceived, meaning the behavior prompting this emotion may or may not be present. 

Sometimes people feel jealous or suspicious of their partners even when their significant other hasn’t given them a reason to justify the emotion. This experience is common and typically means that the person struggling with jealousy may have some internal work to do. Other times, there is a legitimate reason to feel jealous and in this case the work may not just fall on one individual.

I think it’s helpful to picture jealousy as a triangle. At one point is you, at the second is your loved one, and at the third is the perceived threat.

The jealousy triangle is a social and emotional dynamic involving three individuals, where at least one person experiences feelings of jealousy or rivalry. Typically, it involves one person vying for the attention or affection of another.

So using the example of yourself, your loved one, and a perceived threat, this would look like you experiencing a perceived (or real) threat from a third person.

This leads to tension and conflict among all parties. This situation often exacerbates insecurities and can strain relationships, as the jealous individual perceives a threat to their bond with their partner.

The complexity of emotions and interactions in a jealousy triangle can lead to significant emotional turmoil and requires careful navigation to resolve.

Jealousy vs envy

Now, one thing to keep in mind is that jealousy is not the same thing as envy. These two emotions commingle and are often used interchangeably for one another.

Envy is a longing for something whereas jealousy is more of a fear of loss. Envy is typically kept secret, we don’t go around telling others we are envious of them or what they have.

Jealousy on the other hand, is usually spoken and is more about the person’s sense of security within their relationships. 

Jealousy and envy can coexist and show up together, usually when the person compares themselves to the perceived threat in the relationship.

For example, you’re suspicious that your girlfriend is cheating on you and you compare yourself to the person you believe they are cheating on you with. That is envy and jealousy in one.

Jealousy can be a difficult emotion to pin down simply because it has a whole plethora of constituent emotions, that is, emotions that show up at the same time jealousy does. 

Emotions that frequently coexist with jealousy:

Fear	Anger
Disgust	Resentment
Envy	Betrayal
Guilt	Grief
Possessiveness	Anxiety
Insecurity	Violence

Humans are complicated beings and we often experience our emotions in layers. This is how jealousy can show up, it may not be the first emotion you identify. Jealousy might feel like anger or anxiety at first glance, but dig deeper and you’ll eventually find it. 

The function of jealousy; why we need it

“I get jealous because I’m afraid that someone is going to make you happier than I do”

– Frank Ocean 

To me, this quote really sums up jealousy. It all boils down to a fear of losing the person/people we love. We need jealousy, it’s that simple.

The experience of jealousy has been evolutionarily beneficial because it alerts us that we may need to take steps to protect something important or that a boundary needs to be established, strengthened, and/or clarified.

Jealousy helps to preserve bonds between people and encourages relationship-maintaining behavior. Think about it: if you perceive a threat that your relationship is in trouble, you will probably be motivated to do something to save it. This is an example of healthy, adaptive jealousy. 

Pathological jealousy, on the other hand, is another form of jealousy that we don’t want because it is problematic.

When the experience of jealousy does not fit the facts, when its intensity is too high, experienced too often, and it’s expressed ineffectively, it can disrupt a healthy bond between people. Pathological jealousy has the potential to destroy relationships because it erodes trust. In other words, if one person intensely experiences and expresses jealousy that doesn’t fit the facts, it will eventually overly burden the relationship.

Why jealousy is seen as negative

If adaptive jealousy is such an important emotion, why does it get such a bad rep? Well for one, it doesn’t feel good to experience jealousy, whether you’re the jealous person or the focus of the jealousy. Historically, jealousy has been viewed as a negative emotion, often unfairly attributed to women, when in reality everyone experiences it. 

The Greek goddess Hera is probably the best known historical figure of jealousy. In Greek mythology, Hera was portrayed as the jealous wife of Zeus (with good measure, Zeus got around!).

Sadly, the targets of her ire were the objects of Zeus’ affection and not Zeus himself. There are many stories of her taking revenge on those who got Zeus’ attention, she even turned Lo into a cow! This is just one well-known mythological character that was labeled as jealous but history is full of them. 

In modern age, the trope of the jealous girlfriend or possessive boyfriend are ever present in storytelling and media.

In western culture, we are taught that jealousy is a pathetic and ugly emotion that should be avoided. Such cultural influence only creates shame and suppression of jealousy.

Also, shame can encourage us to suppress the emotion so much that we become too flexible in our boundaries and expectations of others (Note: the ‘cool girl’ persona). 

The irony of it all is that this aversion to jealousy is exactly what makes the emotion so difficult to manage.

Is jealousy treatable?

There is no way to completely get rid of unwanted emotions and we need to normalize that jealousy is a natural emotional experience.

However, pathological jealousy can absolutely be treated! Just like any other emotion that is not functioning adaptively, is more intense than the situation calls for, is difficult to recover from, and is disrupting one’s life, therapy can really help. 

In therapy, you can learn how feelings of jealousy affect your thoughts and behaviors.

With this knowledge you can learn skills to challenge jealous thoughts, learn ways to behave productively instead of destructively, and how to cope when jealousy shows up.

Exploring your own personal relationship with jealousy, how it’s shown up for you, and in what relationships or contexts is really helpful. Unlearning destructive behavior patterns and learning how to better manage the feelings when they show up is important as well.

You can also learn how to open up and make room for jealousy without judging it and without acting on it (particularly when jealousy doesn’t fit the facts). The worst thing we can do to regulate a big emotion is to suppress it. In fact, research shows that emotional suppression is largely responsible for sustaining painful emotions.

Consider starting therapy to enhance tools to help you better manage jealousy. There, you’ll learn skills to help you identify when it’s appropriate to challenge jealous thoughts versus when it’s better to open up and make room for jealous feelings. In the meantime, below is one skill to better manage jealousy.

A coping skill for jealousy

When jealousy arrives try the following:

1. Notice
   1. Sensations- where in the body you feel it, what it feels like, etc
   2. Repetitive or intrusive thoughts associated with the jealousy
   3. What does your body want to do? Are you wanting to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn?
2. Name it
   1. Being able to identify it is key
   2. Ask yourself: “what emotions is jealousy bringing with it today?”
3. Narrate a new story of jealousy
   1. Non-judgmentally ask yourself: “why might I be feeling this way right now?”
4. Navigate boundaries and needs
   1. How aware are you of your needs right now?
   2. Are you able to meet your needs or find support outside of the scope of this relationship?
   3. How capable are you of negotiating your needs right now?
   4. Are you able to implement and hold boundaries in close relationships?

The steps and questions above are a self-discovery exercise on how jealousy shows up and impacts you and your relationships.

This exercise isn’t meant to “cure” jealousy, it’s more of an exploration to better understand jealousy in the moment.

With this information you can identify whether the jealousy fits a situation or if it’s bubbling up due to other triggers. You’ll be able to identify whether you can cope with this yourself or whether you need some extra support.

Coping with jealousy can be extremely difficult but it’s also a really important skill to learn. If you let jealousy rule you, it’s likely that your relationships will be negatively impacted in one form or another. 

The first step in coping with jealousy involves acceptance work.

Begin by acknowledging that jealousy is a normal emotion that everyone feels. Rather than fall into a shame spiral around jealousy, try the exploration exercise above to better understand your jealousy.

See the emotion as an overly helpful friend that has good intentions to help you. Then you’ll be able to decide if “the overly helpful friend” has good advice or not-so-good advice. 

If jealousy comes with urges to behave destructively, don’t act on it. Instead, learn how to self soothe and/or talk about difficult feelings in your relationships.

This type of vulnerability is difficult but pays off. If your partner is aware of your struggle with jealousy, they may be more able and willing to either assist you with it or at the very least try not to make it worse.

If jealousy is showing up time and again in the context of a relationship and is affecting both partners, then couple’s therapy is a great place to try to work on this. 

Jealousy is normal, allow it to exist! 

Jealousy has been immortalized in art and culture for centuries because it makes for a good story. These tales have impacted the way we as humans relate to jealousy.

The fact of the matter is that jealousy is an emotion just like all the others. It served our ancestors and continues to serve us. A manageable amount of jealousy is good for us, but jealousy experienced more intensely than the situation calls for can become unhealthy. 

It is important for all of us to understand and radically accept that jealousy is here to stay. As long as you’re human, you’re probably going to experience jealousy at some point in your existence. Use the strategies above to develop a healthy, non-judgmental understanding of jealousy.

Fail to understand it, constantly engage in avoiding it, or give it too much power over you, and it can ruin your relationships. Learning to understand it, working on acceptance of it, and opening up and making room for it will ensure it continues to serve its adaptive function.

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