Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

By: Dr. Dennis London

If you remember from my last blog post, “Janet” came to therapy with me with feelings of  depression and anxiety. During our first few sessions, I began to notice a theme. Janet talked a lot about how she felt like she never measured up to others, or was always insecure if she did a task well. 

One day, she told me, “I feel like I can never get anything right.” She had just given an important presentation in a meeting at work and was feeling insecure about her presentation skills. Here is the interaction that followed:

Dr. D: Let’s play that out a bit. Tell me what would happen if you didn’t get something right. 

Janet: Well I guess I would make a mistake. 

Dr. D: Okay, so let’s say you make a mistake. What about that bothers you? 

Janet: Well it would mean I didn’t do something well. 

Dr. D: You didn’t do something well. What would that mean to you? 

Janet: That I’m not good enough.

Dr. D: If you’re not good enough, what would that mean about you?

Janet: I guess…I’m a failure.

We continued to explore Janet’s thought, “I’m a failure,” and discovered it takes on several versions depending on the situation/context. For example, some of the time, the thought shows up as “I’m unworthy.”

Purpose of Core Beliefs 

When I first start working with a patient in therapy, I help them to identify at least one core belief related to one of their problems. 

Many times, this is an eye opening process. They have likely experienced so much sadness, self-doubt, anxiety, or shame for so long but have not known why. 

Why is a question I hear often. 

Why am I like this? 

Why do I do that? 

Why is this so difficult for me? 

Your core beliefs help to begin to understand the why. It is a powerful process. 

Core beliefs often don’t show up immediately. They’re usually hiding beneath our automatic thoughts and intermediate beliefs. So to identify a core belief, we need to start at the very top of our thinking and work our way down. I’ll walk you through an example, starting with a very common thinking trap that can contribute to feelings of inferiority and insecurity. 

How our thoughts connect

As part of the culture and society we live in, we look towards material objects or other external indicators as signs of success, which we then use to make assumptions about a certain level of functioning or internal happiness. 

We might notice how neatly a person is dressed, see the car they drive, pay attention to the brands of their possessions, and subsequently make assumptions about their level of success. Similarly, we might use a person’s success to assume their level of self-esteem, contentment in life, and overall happiness. However, external indicators do not always accurately represent a person’s internal feeling state. 

Sometimes the most put-together, well dressed, “successful” people–the ones you might constantly compare yourself to–struggle significantly. (See my post on high functioning depression). This is why it’s important to not judge a book by its cover; a person’s outside might not be an accurate reflection of their inside. 

There is some evidence to suggest social media use has contributed to this issue of jumping to conclusions in recent years. The tendency to assume might be especially true for those who view and compare themselves to “influencers” on platforms like Instagram and TikTok. However, recent news stories have revealed not everything you see posted on social media is reality. With technology and editing software today, it is easy for influencers–or anyone who posts–to alter their body/face in a way to present a crafted image of their life not necessarily reflective of reality. 

With this bombardment of images and content, it’s easy to fall into a trap of comparison:

Do I look as pretty? 

I want my body to look like that.

Why does my skin and makeup not look as good? 

I want that bag or that car.

I want to travel luxuriously to exotic destinations. 

These thoughts are likely to contribute to low self-esteem, feelings of inferiority, and sadness. This is an easy trap to fall into, especially for those who are relatively successful and high-functioning, or those who were raised playing a competitive sport or hobby where constant comparison was an indicator of success. 

Growing up, messages from parents or other adults may have sounded like: 

You need to do better/ score higher/ achieve a higher ranking/ perform perfectly. 

After hearing enough of these messages over time, this could lead to an internalized core belief: 

I’m a failure/ I’m not good enough. 

Intermediate rules and automatic thoughts 

To compensate and defend against core beliefs, the brain comes up with general rules to guide our behavior. These are called intermediate rules. To avoid the belief, “I’m failure,” the brain likely developed a rule or assumption to guide behavior in everyday situations. This might be:

If I do better than others, then I’m not unworthy or a failure. 

As a result then, in everyday situations (like one where you view a post on Instagram) your mind might have a thought that sounds like:

Wow, I want to have what they have. 

or 

I want to look just like that. 

These are called automatic thoughts, and they connect to the deeper, intermediate thoughts and core beliefs. Ultimately, the brain tries to avoid the anxiety and pain of the core belief, “I’m a failure,” so it comes up with strict rules to guide daily behaviors to make sure that belief is never confirmed. 

If there is a rule to “always do better than others,” then that painful core belief will never be confirmed. The brain interprets this rule, and actions as a result of following this rule, as being the opposite of a failure – a success! In my next post, I’ll discuss how overtime, this can actually contribute to the problem, since the brain will never be satisfied and will always want more reassurance.

In therapy with Janet, we worked to identify the origins of her automatic thoughts that were holding her back from being fully present in the moment and doing the things that were important to her. Once we identified these beliefs, we began to challenge the thoughts and rules that came from them and restructure her thinking. We also worked on building her self-compassion and self-esteem through loving and kind self-talk and mindfulness exercises.

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